What To Do With Tevez

So last night I ended up having one of those brainwaves that only occurs when you're a genius and/or/maybe a little bit high. If I've written this well enough you won't even have to be a fan of football or know who Carlos Tevez is to appreciate where I'm coming from and, if not, where Hollywood should be. Anyway, here we go

Much has been made in sports media all around the world lately about Argentinian/Manchester City playmaker, striker and general muppet Mr. Carlos Tevez. Over the last few years he has constantly expressed that he wants to return to Argentina and be with his family, meanwhile taking millions of dollars in a Judas-esque move from cross town rivals Manchester United. This all came to a head in the Champions League game against Bavarian giants Bayern Munich the other night when Carlos, on the bench, defied the wishes of coach Roberto Mancini and refused to warm-up or go on to the field. Since then Tevez has been universally criticised and Mancini has essentially said that he will never play for him again. Since then various clubs have come knocking, all wanting to accept the man on loan provided Man City still pay his wages (in that case why the fuck aren't Sydney FC getting their name in there?) but the one that I liked the most was from Irish second division club Limavady United. Thinking about the whole situation gave me a great idea for a movie, and ultimately the realisation that a move to somewhere obscure, quiet and unheard of might just be the place for Carlos to learn a few things about... himself. So with that in mind I present to you my rough synopsis for a feature length presentation full of drama and excitement (and a little bit of sentimentality) for all.

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The story starts the night before the game in Munich, Carlos is unhappy knowing he'll be named on the bench again and gets angry and defensive. The event at the Allianz Arena itself and the subsequent media speculation as well as Mancini's comments lead to a massive night of drinking and NRL-style vandalism that gives the club no other choice but to suspend him indefinitely. All hope seems lost, City seem set to fire Tevez and have him leave the world of football with his reputation in absolute tatters before someone throws a lifeline. That someone being the renegade owner of the Irish second-tier club Limavady United. City, sick of Carlos' millionaire demands, but still wanting to make a profit off him in transfer window, agree to loan him out and pay his wages (at a cut).

Next scene is Carlos leaving the rain and misery of Manchester for... the rain and misery of Ireland. He looks totally out of place and receives a relatively hostile welcome from the locals thanks to his reputation AND the fact that he's a millionaire. He doesn't even go to training the first week, just decides to show up at the game and see what happens. He almost scores, but then, after a rough foul from a rival player ("go back to Argentina ye rich coont"), he gets in a fight and gets himself sent off and also fights with the alcoholic manager. The massive media crowd gathered for his first game catches it all and once again he's internationally known as an arrogant fool. He has no friends, no family, hates where he is. He spends the night getting drunk in his cheap hotel room, cries a bit, then gets in his expensive sports car and drives recklessly. He ends up in a police chase, writes his car off and winds up leaving in an ambulance (he's OK it's only minor scratching).

our primadonna villain

He's charged successfully with a DUI in court the next day and instead of a massive fine he's punished with community service. The community service is, funnily enough, teaching football to Irish orphans and wayward youths which he entirely resents. He calls up Mancini, begging, apologising, but Mancini won't have a bar of it. The next scene see's Carlos arrive at the community football fields to teach the kids (not unlike the first scene in 'the Champions' where Emilio Estevez rocks up in his limo) and even the kids are giving him attitude. That is until he befriends one particular youngster (lets call him Jimmy O'Flannery or something generically Irish) who, it turns out, has a life-threatening disease (cancer, leukemia, liver disease [it is Ireland] - the writers can decide) AND comes from a home with a drunk and abusive father (double-whammy). Carlos realises, just a little bit, that maybe his millionaire problems aren't so bad, and if this kid can harden up in the face of adversity and get on with life, maybe he can too.

This is the pivotal turning point of course. Carlos turns up at training for Limavady the next day and formally apologises to the coach, then the two of them get to work turning this ragtag bunch of Irishmen into a football team. A few montages here and there of training drills and people smiling, mixed in with games over the next few weeks and someone putting increasing numbers in front of a 'home-away' sign. Carlos truly becomes part of the team with his Bulldog-like approach (any fifa player will get that) and the international papers all start to run stories of the man who has redeemed himself. This is the point where I'd put in a love-interest who he meets while training the kids but it doesn't work because the guy is already married. Jimmy and all the other kids come to the games and slowly, after they start winning, the whole town does. Carlos become a local hero, everyone surrounding him in the pub, buying him a pint. He smiles for what feels like the first time in years. Its a great, heartwarming moment. But it's not over.

a smile is worth more than orthodontics

Limavady now sit top of the second-tier of Irish football, they've won the right to be promoted but the real jubilation runs through the town when they end up making the CUP FINAL! It's against the more popular, well supported and slightly evil lads from Shamrock Rovers but the sentiment of the entire country is behind Carlos and his guys. Cut to Mancini reading the story in his office, drinking an espresso while someone blow-dries his hair. He sees it and thinks "I sent him there to suffer, not to redeem himself". He immediately gets on the phone to Limavadys owner demanding Carlos be sent straight back. The Irish owner says he doesn't want to, they've only got one more game to play, the big Cup final on the weekend. Mancini fires back, saying that if Carlos does play, not only will Manchester City NOT pay his match fees but Carlos will never play for, or be paid by, Manchester City EVER AGAIN! (see the drama there?).

Prepare for some solemn scenes as the owner takes this news back to Carlos and his new found friends. While Carlos doesn't care about the money anymore, he needs a job that will pay him enough to support the 60 family members back home relying on his paycheck every week. Maybe he won't play the cup final after all... the town is solemn. Everyone loves Carlos but understands his position. All except Jimmy that is. Jimmy's disease has taken control now and he hasn't got long left. Carlos goes and visits him in hospital and finds out that Jimmy's only wish is to see Limavady hold up that Cup before he dies. Carlos has had enough of Mancini's ways and calls him up to tell him so. Mancini of course reacts horribly but once again the news latches on to the story and the heroism of Carlos is known worldwide - and Mancini is starting to look like the villain.

So what happens? Carlos plays the final, and while it may be 0-0 at halftime, an awesome motivational speech psychs them all up and by the time the final whistle blows its 3-2 Limavady! Carlos scoring the match winning goal before pointing down the camera to Jimmy. Yay! The stadium goes nuts for the underdogs, they've done it, they've won. The happiness ends for the viewer however as you see Carlos holding the trophy up on TV as Jimmy's eyes slowly close for the last time. Carlos, sensing something has happened, bursts into tears and the whole team is united in a moment of joy, sadness and solidarity.

What happens next? Mancini calls and tries to offer Carlos his job back, but Tevez tells him to go fuck himself and punches him in the face just for good measure. So what does Carlos do? You see him leave on a plane for Argentina, wishing his friends farewell. The final scene however shows Carlos back in Ireland, with his wife and kids. He coaches at Limavady now instead of playing, and also teaches the poor orphans about life and football in a school he built with his own money, the 'Jimmy O'Flannery School of Football for Misguided Youth'. As the camera slowly fades away we see, out the front of the school, a statue of Jimmy holding the Cup, pointing it up to the sky in celebration... forever.

and then we find out Tevez is Kaiser Soze

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I'm telling you there won't be a dry eye in the HOUSE! I've never seen either of those 'Goal' movies but I'm pretty sure this doesn't rip either of them off, and if it does I'm sorry. Still, if this happened in real life - amazing. But even if it came out as a movie it's a good story if you ask me. There's room for artistic license here and there, maybe even a coked-up cameo from Diego Maradona, but if you ask me this is the basic foundation for a truly awesome sport/drama/family movie. If anything comes out in the next few years following this formula I want you all to remember you read it here first, and I want you to notify me so I can sue someone. I could go on a rant about Man City but this entry is already more than long enough. I hope you've enjoyed.