Durst the Worst

Most people out there are probably aware that we're reaching the end of the Summer festival season. Many festivals touring the country, catering for all tastes and keeping the masses happy. The most recent festival to make its way through town was none other than Soundwave - the alternative festival for all the people that like their music heavy or punk-y, either way - loud!

While I'll save the majority of my thoughts about the festival for my official review (which will probably be up on the weekend at this rate) there are a few things I have to say in particular, about one of the surprisingly more popular acts of the afternoon - Limp Bizkit.

You're probably thinking to yourself 'Limp Bizkit? ewww.. what the hell were you doing Javid? I thought you had credibility' - first and foremost you'd be wrong about the credibility part but that doesn't bother me. Yes Limp Bizkit are a bit 'ewww' - that being said I didn't mind some of their stuff back in the day and I think it was more the curiosity factor that brought people like myself to the main arena. I'll also say now that there is a spoiler alert so if you're still going to one of the other Soundwaves and you're actually keen to see Limp Bizkit then maybe not read this until after.

Eleven years ago was the last time Limp Bizkit were in the country. I saw them there, at the 2001 BDO (they were just after Rammstein) and yes, that was the fateful day that Jessica died in tragic circumstances. There were court cases and much publicity but you can be guaranteed that the events of that evening, while not meaningless, have certainly escaped peoples minds in the more than a decade that has passed since. It did result in a rethink of Australian festival safety and has led us to the system we have now.

About halfway through the set, Fred Durst brought up the topic. He said some very sentimental things that were, in their own way, quite moving, about the memory of this girl. Her father was in the crowd, obviously by invitation of the band and yeah, it was a nice moment. Then the Limp Bizkit banner dropped and behind the band was now a massive mural with the word 'Jessica' on it, with a pink background and even a little love heart to dot the I.

Let it be known that this action in itself I have no problem with. If I was in a band and someone died at one of my shows it WOULD affect me, it would stay with you for the rest of your life, especially if you were to come back and play that venue. This homage was a nice gesture but I have a few things to say about it.

1. After making his nice homage Fred Durst then went on to tell the story of the events of that night, saying that the band was refusing to go on because they KNEW it was unsafe, but that the BDO organisers MADE them, insisting that if they didn't, there would be a riot. The badmouthing of the BDO organisers was prolific. Don't get me wrong I'm happy to see them get bagged but, 11 years later, and with her father in the crowd, is it really necessary? The fact that your band hasn't been relevant for over a decade should make you plan the things you say. Me saying this is also entirely hypocritical. Nice gesture but the removal of accountability, putting it all on the Big Day Out, was a bit of a cop out. If it was really that bad, you wouldn't have played. If it really WAS a lose-lose situation like you mentioned, then why go to such lengths to blame someone else? It almost sounds entirely circumstantial. I know we're talking about the loss of a human life and it truly was tragic but it happened, nothing can be done now and blaming the BDO, to me, served no purpose but to reopen old wounds.

The ultimate hypocrisy was when the next song went into its interlude and he kept saying 'You can't point the finger! You can't pass the buck!'. Whether what he said was true or not, to go on a rant essentially blaming someone else and then to say something like that is messed up and stupid and hypocritical. I don't think anyone REALLY blames Limp Bizkit for that death 11 years ago, so why bring it up and then act like this? Sigh.

2. After making the homage and going on his rant it was time for the next song. You think they'd go with something 'nice' - even though thats hard to find in Limp Bizkit's repertoire. The song they chose was in fact 'Take A Look Around' - if you don't remember, it's that freaking song they did for Mission Impossible 2. What does this have to do with the death of a young girl? What does this have to do with ANYTHING remotely sentimental? Pretty much sweet FA. If you look at the lyrics (and yes, I just googled them and lost a few brain cells reading them) basically the song is aimed at haters - "now I know why you wanna hate me". If you REALLY want to read the lyrics click here - but yes, by reading them you'll notice there's nothing particularly meaningful, let alone appropriate about dedicating this song to someone who has died ("life is a lesson//you learn it when you're through"). Stupid, stupid choice. If anything it seemed more like it was played for the band, to back up Fred's Big Day Out hate. Not only that, but you're playing a track from a freaking movie when you had better album stuff you could be playing. Counterfeit was seemingly not even considered.

3. In general Fred Durst and his compatriots need a bit of a bagging too. They were given an hour long set and played a good.. oh I don't know.. HALF HOUR worth of music. The rest of it was just inevitably long breakdowns filled with crap being spoken by Durst, parts between songs with crap being spoken by Durst and randomly stupid DJ 'solos'. There was the playing of the first 8 bars of both 'Jump Around' and 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' - disgusting. Then at the end of the set the crowd were given a choice between two songs (Faith and Rollin), and while it was obvious which song the crowd chose they still played the other one and then closed with the popular one. Instead of that, how about you just play the fucking songs? In the time it took you to fuck around getting the crowd to answer a question that evidently didn't matter, you could have played another song. With all the crap here and there they probably could have doubled their set length. Such is life.

4. For the rest of the set, the Jessica banner stayed up. It was also left on the big screens with a certain amount of transparency so you could still see the video of the performance. This was also nice in its own way but it really didn't need to be up there for half the set. What made it worse was towards the end of the set when the cameras kept zooming in on the wasted chicks and dirty whores on peoples shoulders with their tits out. Don't get me wrong, I love boobies, but when there's an homage to a dead girl on the screen mixed with images of wasted teenage girls flashing their tits I don't call it good taste. Yes, there's every chance that if Jessica was still alive she'd be one of those girls but there was something eerily... wrong about the whole situation.

If you ask me (and I know you will), they should have done things differently. Play an efficient set, first and foremost. In regards to the Jessica banner and the whole notion of sentimentality they should have saved it till the end. With two songs left they could have dropped the banner and it probably would have been more poignant and lasting, not corrupted by Fred Durst's tomfoolery and the boobs of drunken skanks.

Either way, while they played some good songs, overall they were very disappointing - if not for the reasons I mentioned above. Having the enigma of Wes Borland back on stage is a good thing, and apparently they released another album last year (??) but Limp Bizkit had their day, had their moment. Rap metal is no longer relevant, and personally I hope it never comes back.

Judging by the MASSES of bogans and others who seemed to go absolutely crazy for it though, chances are they're here to stay, again. While seeing them did sate my curiosity, I can confidently say that I never again have to. Acts like JBT and the Mars Volta can fill a set that long, with less songs, and still play more music. I was there in 2001 and the performance was pretty much exactly the same. The only difference is that they're all so much older, and they're no longer relevant. Personally I wish Wes would go back and record another Big Dumb Face album.

Dealing With The Blues

We all know the Police. Those guys in blue uniforms who are supposed to uphold the law, to make us feel secure (supposedly) and the rest of that stuff. Maintaining the moral fiber and the status quo so we can all live our lives without interference - at least thats what they tell us.

We've all had our experiences with the police, and most of us can acknowledge that there are good cops out there, those who are willing to treat people with courtesy and professionalism under the whole guise of 'innocent until proven guilty'. What most of us, people my age, also know is that unfortunately not all of them are like this. A growing number of police I've dealt with in the last few years have been less and less professional, let alone pleasant. They treat you condescendingly and pigeonhole you before you've even really spoken to them. Innocent until proven guilty is no longer a prominent feature of justice if you ask me, based on my experiences. In their eyes you are merely scum.

Thinking about this after my last run in with the police a few weeks ago inspired me to do a bit of writing, to regale you with some of my experiences with the New South Wales Police. You can make your own mind up then I guess. There are two sides to every story, sure, and I will try and deliver these stories with a sense of neutrality but given they involved me that will be hard.

Incident #1. In the summer of 2003/04 I was attending TAFE studying International Music Business. I was also quite a significant smoker of marijuana and given that I didn't have a license, a regular user of public transport. One morning at about 830 at St Marys station I walked through the gates to find 4 police officers and a sniffer dog. While I was confident that I had nothing on me there's something about police presence that automatically shouts 'caution' to anyone who's been engaged in illegal activity recently. With my headphones on and music blaring I walked past, not too bothered.

As I walked down the stairs from the gates to the platform I noticed that, very slowly, every single person down on the platform was looking up at me. This is disconcerting normally but there had to be a reason for it. With everyone staring at me I turned around to find all 4 police closing in on me, with the sniffer dog eagerly investigating the back of my leg (like I would keep drugs there anyway). I was asked firmly to go with the police and walked, surrounded by them, to a room I never knew existed in St. Marys station. I was 18 at the time, and naturally, shitting myself a bit. My mind started racing, trying to confirm the fact (which, really, I already knew) that I had nothing on me. The police made me take my jacket off, my shirt off, rummaged through my pockets and felt me up, making me empty my bag item by item while asking the same questions a few times. I was going to be late but they didn't care (neither did I to be honest) but the way you're treated leaves a bad taste in your mouth. One of the policemen was nice and he did alot of the initial talking, while the other three searched for some lie or weakness. I told them I had smoked as recently as the day before, which was true, and they assumed that it must have been on my clothes. If you ask me though, the dog was sniffing me like they do when they can smell another dogs scent, as my dog did the same thing.

When they were confident I wasn't carrying anything they finally let me go. No apology for wasting my time, no thankyou for my cooperation, just go. Given that this was my first experience I was just relieved to be out of there. I looked like a muso, with my goatee, cigarettes and ruggedly disheveled appearance. Profiling seems to be a massive part of the police force now, but a sniffer dog had led police in this instance. A bit of courtesy would have been nice but I can live without.

Incident #2. This is one of the instances where I actually could have, nay, should have been caught and punished. I suppose in a way we were but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. Once again this story involves Marijuana and adolescence.

A friend and I had decided, as was the way back then, to stop at a local park in the middle of the night for a 'session' as most smokers call them. We had our smoke, I had just emptied the bong when all of a sudden a blinding set of headlights came screaming at us from the other end of the carpark. Surprisingly I was able to keep my cool, wrap and hide the bong in my bag and put most of the pot hurriedly in a container that I merely hid under the seat. Two officers emerged, asked us what we were doing. There was no point denying it, who knows how long they were watching, so we admitted we were smoking weed. They asked us HOW we were smoking it and I lied, saying joints. That being said I realise now they must have been standing in a puddle of bong water. They didn't believe me, but went along with it and then asked us to give them our weed. I immediately pulled out the baggie it was originally in, knowing that most of it was in a container under the seat. They took it, checked it, realised it was fuck all then asked me to get out of the car, empty the bag on the grass and then step on it. No worries.

Then, whilst we were out of the car the police then told us they were going to search it. When you're a young drug user who has never had this happen, and you know whats in the car, it can be quite terrifying. They found a hash pipe in the center console that belonged to the friend I was with and I thought it was only a matter of time before they discovered the hefty amount of weed under the passenger seat and the bong in my bag. They found neither. I still to this day am not entirely sure how. Then they told us to give them our mobile phones so they could go through them. To this day I'm pretty sure they're not actually allowed to do that (but I could be wrong). But they did, then gave us the phones back having found nothing, and we were free to go. Once again we were paid little courtesy or respect, but as a teenager you just assume its the way things are.

Incident #3 - This is a two-in-one since both these incidents have happened to me while leaving the place at which I WORK! There are multiple routes to take home from work and on one evening I chose to take one that would take me past a servo before heading home. I must also tell you that I had my P plates till I was 25, having got my license late. Getting them so late underlined how much profiling and harassment is thrown at P-platers, I was no teenager. Anyway, the Police sat at the lights on the opposite side of the road and as soon as I crossed the road, headed to the servo, they chucked a U-Turn and followed me, putting the lights on and pulling me over, having done nothing, for an entirely 'random' breath test. One spoke to me while another got a torch and went around the car, before one of them noticed my uniform and where I worked, making some jokes and then saying 'have a good night'. No breath test was done, there was NO reason I should have been pulled over, apart from the mere fact I had a P-plate on my car. Effective policework, right? Good to see the major criminals can get away but a 23 year old with P's MUST get pulled up on suspicion of nothing.

The next incident to happen at work was merely 2 months ago, if that. After closing at work, I turned everything off and headed to my car (and this was even without P-plates). I got in the car, had a look for my cigarettes. Next thing there is a tap on my window, and I turn to see nothing but a police badge just staring me straight in the face. I wound down my window and he asked for my license. I complied before being asked to 'keep my hands up where he can see them' - that's never happened before but once again I comply. Next thing I know, the car is surrounded by FOUR police officers. Torches are shining in, my hands are still up, murmurings are taking place just out of earshot. All of a sudden one comes up to me and asks 'so what are you doing in this carpark so late at night?'. I would have been well within my rights to call him a 'fucking idiot' at this stage but I didn't, just told him I WORK HERE and had just closed the doors. Surely he'd noticed the carpark lights go off 2 minutes ago, not to mention me walking out the front door. I didn't really get an apology, I got a minimal explanation before being asked more questions. I finally got my license back and was allowed to go.

Can I just say that the entire situation would have been a whole lot easier for everyone if I'd merely been asked a question straight away instead of being surrounded by a ridiculous presence trying to make me shit myself. The investigative mentality of police is dead, its 'act now, ask questions later'. Both of these incidents involved the St Marys branch of the NSW Police. St Marys has its fair share of crime, and with investigative work and people skills like that, I really can't imagine why. In neither of these situations was I wearing my 'part-time stoner' hat, I had just stepped out of work, still in uniform, and was still treated like this.

Incident #4 - My most recent experience - it happened two weeks ago in the city. Waiting at traffic lights and the car in front, as happens sometimes, seemingly didn't notice the light go green until it was nearly too late. I managed to get through hurriedly while the light was still orange. Next thing I have a car speeding up behind me out of nowhere, flashing its lights. I pull over. This space obviously wasn't good enough so they blasted their horn and I moved around the corner. A cop who wouldn't have looked out of place in St Marys comes to the window, flashing his badge and asking me if I knew why I'd been pulled over. I didn't break any laws, certainly not overtly, so I said I didn't know. He tries to list a bunch of things I apparently just did in the act of turning the corner, I still say I honestly don't think that's what happened. He continues to contradict me and takes my license.

A few minutes pass. He comes back, telling me once again that I've done this and that. I once again state how I saw it before he basically tells me to 'stop arguing'. Basically his way of saying 'shut the f*** up'. Anytime I say something I am immediately spoken over the top of, despite me saying I was merely trying to explain. He then gives me my license. No charge, no fine, no warning, no nothing. The only way, realistically, that this can be the end result is if, like I maintained, I'd done nothing wrong! The attitude and arrogance of this particular officer of the Kings Cross Police Force pissed me off so supremely it inspired me to write all of these incidents down.

So what of all these incidents? Am I merely making a list? No, I have a point. Two points in fact.

#1. The Police, whether they like it or not, are in a customer service style area. They deal with the people every day as part of their job. While I'm not a cop I work in a similar industry and if I treated my customers the way the Police treated me in previous instances, I would be fired or at least reprimanded. It is painstakingly obvious to me that people skills are NOT part of Police training, at least certainly not in New South Wales. If the Police want to maintain any semblance of integrity, dealing with people really needs to become part of the training process. All their current lack of skills breed is resentment.

#2. The general motto of the Police that gets implanted in you over the years is 'to protect and serve'. In some naive way, being brought up with this ethos makes you think that the protection and service are for you, for us, the people. We like to think that the job of the Police is to protect us and look after our interests. If you are my age and you still honestly think this you are a little naive. Even without the study I've done over the last few years I can tell you that the job of the police is NOT to protect and serve YOU but the STATE! The people who pay their wages, the institutions that already have the control over social order and convention. The police aren't protecting you, they're protecting the interests of the governments and state institutions. Don't kid yourselves if you think I'm wrong.

While I'm at it, here's one more question - During double demerits, driving up the coast, I saw 9 police cars with the speed gun out. This is an awful lot. On the way back, when it WASN'T double demerits, I didn't see ONE SINGLE cop on the 6.5 hour drive home. Why? To me, this is nothing but merely tactical revenue raising, further emphasising that the Police don't go where they're needed, they're merely strategically placed in areas that will help them gain revenue and the 'results' that no doubt show up on quotas here and there.

Some of you might be reading this, thinking that I'm an asshole and that I deserve to be reprimanded for something. For you people I leave you with my last anecdote;

It takes place about 5 years ago, maybe more, maybe less, but it was a while. I'd been smoking up at a mates place on a Sunday evening, pretty considerably. I left in the late evening, and on the way home encountered some roadworks on the Motorway. We were all forced into a single lane. Unbeknownst to everyone there was a police DUI check embedded in the middle of the roadworks. There was no escape. Many cars were parked along the embankment, it had been a good night for them. I was asked the question and had already answered no before it registered that he'd asked me if I'd had any drugs as well. He then brought over the tongue scraper for my drug test. As far as I was concerned, I was done for. I'd had some weed no more than 15 minutes ago, I had to be gone. I looked in the rearview to see my insanely bloodshot eyes and knew it was all over. My mind raced with what would happen, how my family, friends and girlfriend would all take the news. It didn't go well. I probably waited for about 5-10 minutes but the time seemed endless. I saw the officer talking with others, and eventually he came back over. By this point I was literally ready to step out of the car, thinking its what I would be asked. It was not, the officer gave me my license, said 'have a good night' and I was off. It had to be a joke. It wasn't. I drove off feeling more relief than I have ever felt in my life I think, but also wondering how the hell that happened.

Here are some quick pointers for you in your next experience with the Police, if they're anything like these have been;

1. Don't admit to anything if you haven't done it. When a Policeman asks 'do you know why we've pulled you over?', admitting anything will fuck you. They can charge or fine you because you've admitted it, or even speculated. If you've really done something fair enough, but if you honestly have little to no idea why you've been pulled over, SAY SO. They can tell you what they want but unless you admit to it (in most cases) they can't do anything.
2. Eye contact - Most of the annoying Police you'll meet have problems with power. Like alot of animals dominance can come from something as simple as staring you down. I've worked on my eye contact over the years and in these instances it helps. If you don't look at them, or let them stare you down, you're admitting your inferiority. Staring right back lets them know you're not afraid, and also brings extra conviction to anything you say.

I hope these stories have at least been entertaining in some regard. They are all true, even if told through my eyes only. My experience with having P's in my 20's certainly helped me establish that alot of profiling goes on in the Police Force. With or without the P's, the NSW Police have, in multiple instances, wasted my time for no reason and given me attitude. The ONE TIME I really could have been fucked, they really could have got me, THEY DIDN'T! Thats a 0% record for you, Officers.

With a record like that, I'm glad it's NOT me you're protecting or serving, because you're doing pretty pathetically.

A Matter of Taste

Here comes another bit of self-indulgence from Javid. Today's aim is to take my votes for the most recent Triple J Hottest 100, let you know what I picked that MADE it, explain maybe why I picked them and... whatever else. I do something similar every year with my Top 10 albums on the other blog I write for. The two can in some ways be correlated so if you want to read it head over HERE.

Anyway, lets begin

Arctic Monkeys - Don't Sit Down Cause I've Moved Your Chair
Final Placing - #68

While 'Suck It and See' was met with mixed reviews by everyone, myself included, part of it might have had to do with the release of this single. It's the most booming Arctic Monkeys track ever recorded, bringing in the old-school Josh Homme influence that is surprisingly missing on other parts of the record. A relatively straightforward but anthemic and crunching tune. Alex Turners memorable lyrics stick with you too... 'do the macarena in the Devil's lair - but just don't sit down cause I've moved your chair'



Architecture In Helsinki - Escapee
Final Placing - #55

There were two key songs from this fantastic album by Australia's own AIH, and both were in my shortlist. While 'Contact High' ended up doing better, finishing at #12, I stuck with Escapee. There is something about this song that essentially made it my anthem for the last half of the year and the start of this one. When you're stuck in a rut or enduring the same routine every day you really do need to escape, experience and enjoy what life has to offer. While this song wasn't exactly the inspiration I cannot listen to it without feeling the motivation to keep going on this new path. A song that has meant so very much to me, probably my personal #1 for the year.



Florence and the Machine - What The Water Gave Me
Final Placing - #42

I've talked enough about the power and beauty of Florence Welch's voice. To me it's one of the best going around (aka FUCK OFF ADELE) and it just seems to be getting better. While the album Ceremonials was a bit hard to digest at first, given I was a fan of Lungs and Ceremonials really does go to a much more grandiose scale, once you get over the epic nature of the record its still her voice that shines through. A truly beautiful song by an act I've still never seen live. I need to fix that.



The Strokes - Under Cover of Darkness
Final Placing - #41

Two tracks finishing back to back. The Strokes album 'Angles' took out my award for album of the year and if you want to know why follow my link up the top. This was one of the songs that sold me though. I loved the start of the Strokes career and this song has a ring to it that just makes me feel like I'm in high school again. That and I'm slightly sexually attracted to Julian Casablancas. Enjoy the song, another beautiful number, but with enough to make you smile and bop your head. Like 'Escapee' it has a feel of turning your back on a past life to move forward.



Bluejuice - Act Yr Age
Final Placing - #20

Company is another album that made it in to my top 10. I've seen bluejuice so many times over the years it's not funny. Where you would expect to be able to anticipate a band, know whats coming next, what to expect from the live show, what to expect on the next album, Bluejuice are a band that consistently avoid expectation by going apeshit and doing things you really don't expect. I love them for it. Saw them 3 times last year from memory and every time was just phenomenal. One of the best live acts in the country, the recorded material is catching up quickly. A catchy, awesome song with a truly funny and disgusting video clip - you've been warned.



Foster the People - Call It What You Want
Final Placing - #14

The best debut album of the year, without a doubt. I equated it to Oasis' Morning Glory album in that nearly every single song can be used as a potential single, but not because they're formulaic so much as because they are FANTASTIC songs. Amazing for a band to hit the nail on the head so well on their first attempt. So many good songs to pick from, and while its not 'Houdini', I picked this one because it gets stuck in my head SO much, and its a great song. Try and listen without dancing in some way, seriously. If you haven't already, go and buy 'Torches'. A brilliant song from a relentlessly brilliant album.



Gotye (feat. Kimbra) - Somebody That I Used To Know
Final Placing - #1

When I heard the song, I knew it would win. When the album came out, I knew IT would win, and it did (J award). The song itself won a shitload of ARIA's for Wally. I called this so long ago its not funny and while I don't think I'm too remarkable for doing so I'm still proud of my foresight, knowing that nothing would top this one for the year. Not much needs to be said that hasn't been said already. So I'll leave you with it. Still one of the best videos in recent memory. Beautiful. A song that, like previous ones, helped with processing emotion as well.



And there you have it, 7 out of my 10 selections making it through to the top #100. I can't recall what my returns are usually like but I'll take that. 70% is a credit and I'll take it. Every one of these acts and songs is fantastic, as are many others that made the list. I doubt you've learned anything by reading this but I at least hope you've taken the time to enjoy some truly great music. Bring on 2012.

To-bacco or Not To-bacco

Just give me a sec to get over that title… I like it... haha.. ahhh

As a smoker, I can testify that we are on the out. As you might remember from my last blog I was whining about the conditions that have been applied to smokers but not to say… obese people.

Most people accept smokers. Not everyone does it but most people have for at least one phase in their lives. My parents smoked, for a little while, and I know that most people my age had parents who did at one stage or another. What we have to contend with now, as well as the constant graphic advertising and rules telling us when and where we can and can’t smoke, is a new breed of people who hold you in contempt and look down upon you merely because you choose to smoke a cigarette.

This is wrong if you ask me, but then again I’m a smoker. There are, however, simple rules that one can abide by. Unwritten rules even, and perhaps rules that make more sense than a lot of legislation. So here it is ladies and gents, Javid’s Brief Etiquette Guide for the Modern Smoker.

1. Children

This one should be relatively self explanatory and make sense to most of you, unless you live in Mt Druitt (and the sad thing is I live quite NEAR there). Children deserve the opportunity for clean air more than these adults who harp on about it. If you’re at a kids birthday party (preferably as a family member and not just some creepy lurker) or some similar function and you feel the urge for a cigarette, walk away. If some of the kids follow you, there’s not much you can do so the choice is on you to either put it out or go to lengths to make sure that the kiddies are as far away from it as possible.

The people I previously mentioned are often the type of people that will bring their children near you well after you’ve actually started the cigarette. Chances are that they’ll stop near you and look at you contemptuously. Here’s an idea for those people, if you want to make someone feel bad for having a smoke anywhere near your children, DON’T TAKE YOUR KIDS OVER TO THEM and THEN try to make them feel bad.

Basically, if you’re sharing an open-air environment with children, legally you’re under no obligations but really you should be exercising some duty of care. The air is there to share, but you don’t need to be smoking 2 feet away from children. If you honestly don’t care about it even a little, you’re obviously a self-absorbed, miserable little person.

If you’re near a pregnant lady, don’t spark up either. If you SEE a pregnant lady spark up, go over and slap her, it’s your moral obligation.

2. Eating

There are multiple circumstances to be considered here. If you’re out with friends just grabbing a bite at any random place, or even just eating in the park, certain respect should be observed. If you finish before your friends do that’s all good, and most smokers enjoy a nice post-meal cigarette. Spare some consideration for your friends however, and wait until they’ve finished their respective meals before you go filling the air and palate of everyone nearby with the delicious smell of rich tobacco.

Eating at a restaurant is another notion. While the same rule should still be observed for the people you’re eating with, expanding it to other diners in your vicinity is a bit of a middle-ground. Someone might be seated just after you’ve received your meal, right near you, and spark up a cigarette. While this is frightfully rude in my opinion it is, however, the price you pay for eating outside, in these areas that many restaurants and pubs are now required to provide. There’s not much point in giving off any condescending air given that, when your meal is done, you’re also going to have a cigarette, and chances are it will be when they receive their meal.

If you ask me it’s a bit of an improvisational field. If the people around you are nice enough to not smoke in the knowledge that you’ve just started eating, appreciate the gesture and return the courtesy. If you’re outside it’s not too hard to take a few steps somewhere else if needed. If the people around you don’t pay you this courtesy however you are under no obligation to move yourself.

If someone brings kids to a table in a smoking area, and then sparks up themselves, they are an idiot. With many fast food places and also the occasional restaurant the childrens play areas are quite often right next to the designated smoking area. It’s a stupid idea by design and an indicator that you should observe some kind of discretion.

3. In The Car

Whether it be in your own car or someone elses there are certain protocols that can once more be observed.

In your own car you can pretty much go by whatever rules you choose but while driving other people, in particular non-smokers, it’s always considerate to ask if they mind if you have a cigarette. Chances are they’ll say yes and if they say no there’s a decent chance you’ll do it anyway, but you still offered, and to some people this gesture can be enough in itself. If other people want to smoke in your car, even knowing you smoke, asking beforehand is considerate. I won’t let people smoke in my backseat, nor will I smoke if I’m sitting in anyone elses. With windows open, particularly in the back, ash is going to fly everywhere and the reaction is not always pleasant.

In another persons car you can’t take anything for granted. They could even be a smoker, but in a new car where they’re exercising a ‘non-smoking’ rule for the sake of the smell (although these rules generally don’t last long). If you are in another persons car who does not smoke, and there are other passengers that are non-smokers, think about the amount of people you’re disrespecting by smoking in an enclosed space before you ask the question. You can say what you want about the ventilation and whatnot supplied by a moving vehicle but its not about physics, it’s about consideration.

To bring it back to the point of children, Police are currently ‘experimenting’ (because they’re certainly not enforcing it) with a law that says people cannot smoke with children in the car. If YOU smoke with your child in the car you’re an idiot, and you’re also potentially breaking an ambiguous law. If you’re in the car with someone ELSES kid and you smoke and they let you, you really are deplorable.

4. Your Own Home

The last bastion of every smoker, the place where the laws cannot touch you, where you can do whatever the hell you want because it’s your place, right? True, to an extent…

Whether you rent or own, if you smoke INSIDE your own house I consider you, once again, an idiot. The smell of tobacco and cigarettes in general is a smell that is difficult to get rid of, as every teenager who has doused themselves in deodorant back in the day knows. I smoke pot from time to time and the smell of it is SO much easier to get rid of than that of a cigarette, contrary to belief. Tobacco smoke seeps into everything. Your clothes, your furniture, your walls, you’ll even end up with yellow stains everywhere and provide a pretty unhealthy environment for your already unhealthy lifestyle. If its minus 5 out and you want to go for a cigarette in the relative warmth of the bathroom with an exhaust fan on, this can, I suppose be conditionally acceptable but is certainly not something you should turn into a routine – and all smokers are very familiar with routine. If you smoke inside, and you have kids, you are once again an idiot. If you live with other people, particularly non-smokers, don’t smoke inside or even think you can just do it in your room, because that smell will travel.

So where does this leave you? Your front or backyard I suppose, or any verandah options that are available. Here is the perfect place for the smoker - an outdoor area on their own bit of land, free from the protests and rules of society. The only people who can stop you now are your neighbours through complaining. What will that achieve? Very little, it’s not illegal and you’re totally within your rights.

So there you have it. Feel free to discuss whether you think it’s worth being courteous to those that exonerate us because of our smoking habits. Feel free to discuss any ideas for places where a set of rules can come in place. I’m all about discussion.

I leave you with a bit of a note for those who have a problem with smokers. I could say don’t judge us but you already do. You don’t know us or why we do the things we do. I understand that there are smokers who are generally disrespectful to those who don’t smoke but it’s a two way street. If you want to be a pariah and take the moral high ground because you have kids and smoking is such a deplorable act you can fuck right off. Perhaps your problem shouldn’t be with me and my nicotine addiction but the government that regulates it and keeps it legal, despite the known effects of it all. Your contempt for us breeds within us contempt for you, and hence the struggle continues. If you have a problem with a smoker doing what they’re doing, a civil approach where you can justify your problem is often more helpful than death stares and insults. Most smokers are still reasonable people you know. I hope I’ve made it quite clear that I’m willing to be as considerate as possible, and that most smokers should, for all of you out there who don’t smoke. What I’m asking, and what might be the hard part, is for you to do the same.